Not so Fat Albert

Albert was the first neighbor I met when moving into the new place. Albert was about middle aged, and didn’t really fit in well. He drove a beat up Cadillac and never seemed to go to work. Albert also managed to leave his door open and blare hip hop music over the parking lot.

Albert first made his presence known as he sat on his second floor deck and watched us unload the moving truck. Literally. The man probably eyeballed every box and item we unloaded. He managed to ask my roommate for a trip to check cashing place because he was too drunk to drive. Two days later I had my first and last official run in with him.

I had kept my niece that Friday since I had the day off and she was out of school. My sister came to pick her up at 3 and had left when I get a phone call; apparently they were still in the parking lot and she needed help. I freaked out and ran downstairs, blowing past a laughing Albert as he sat below the second floor landing watching events unfold. In the parking lot my sister was talking to a strange black woman. I walked up and the woman turned to me.

“Oh my God! Theresa is this your brutha? Nice to meet you Theresa’s brutha! Me and her been friends a looong time.” I took one look at this woman, and the first word that sprang to mind was “crack whore”. There was a flaky whiteness around her mouth/nose. Her hair was wild, and she was wearing shorts, tank top, and flip-flops. She sniffled a lot, and I don’t think she was in need of some Benedryl.

I turned to my sister and told her Michelle had called and was waiting on them. My niece, ever happy to play along chimed in with “Oh boy we’re going to Aunt Chel’s house!”. My sister fled, and I began walking toward the building with the crack whore following me. She rambled on about how she was trying to get Theresa to give her a ride, and she needed to check on her baby, etc. I knew better, but I had to ask.

“So uh…how did you two meet?”
“Oh we met a looong time ago, downtown. I haven’t seen your sister in forever! What’s your name? I know Theresa told me but I done forgot”
“I’m sorry to hear that”
“Say, you got a car?”
“Nope, my roommate is at work in it.”
“How about a phone?”
“Nope, just moved in. No service yet.”

By this point, we were starting up the stairs, and Albert was watching us both. We get to the landing and she starts in again.

“So which one you live in?”
“One on the third floor.”
“You aren’t being too specific.”
“Nope, I’m not. Have a nice day.”

At this point Albert stands up and tells her to get back in the house. I go on upstairs and lock the door to call my sister.

It turns out, the Albert had apparently picked up this crack whore downtown, and brought her back out here. She got here and freaked out, and was trying to leave or call someone to come get her. She never would tell me why she gave the woman her name.

One call to the front office later, and Albert was told to move. Apparently this wasn’t the first complaint against him (surprise!).